I started this entry with a statement that I had to delete. I just couldn’t. It was about someone who I wish I could stop thinking about. I’m working on it! I’m actually having writer’s block because I have so much on my mind. I need to paint! Oh, that’s what I’m gonna talk about: being too kind. I recently painted for a friend. Something I never do. I didn’t think it was possible…but it happened. With the help of my creative friend’s input, the piece came out better than I imagined. The problem; I felt conflicted. I felt good about the piece but I doubt my friend understands the emotions that the piece reflects nor do I think its appreciated. I guess it doesn’t matter if I did this out of the kindness of my heart but we don’t even talk like that. Maybe I can’t consider them a friend. Ah well.
Moving on, I got a call from the oncologist. My heart hit the floor. Words cannot describe how I feel right now. I refuse to even deal with it. I. Just. Can’t. I find it easier to just get through it opposed to think about it and accept it. I’m scared to death. I have tried to reach out and talk to someone very close to me but now they won’t talk to me at all. So…I just keep it moving. Function as if its normal. I’m not in pain nor am I suffering per se. I don’t look sick and I can’t feel it. I have some other complications but nothing that I can’t handle. I just want to be healthy. That’s all. Pray for me.
I think I’ve done enough reflecting on this site and you all get my drift about love and relationships but…I love love. I love to see people in love and love to be surrounded by love. I love to love but I also have to love myself just as much. Especially when people leave your corner when you need them most. Good thing is, I understand that some people can’t handle actually FEELING for someone specifically when it requires them to ACT like they care. It’s cool, I may not have someone to love in the physical but God…If I could really tell you how I’m making it!!! It’s only by my faith. If my walls could talk or if I could really express my thoughts, I think people would have a different kind of understanding about me. But that doesn’t matter either. Ah well.
S/n, I can’t wait til it gets hot! All I want to do is workout and sun bathe! I want to be on someone’s beach! I’ve already started working out again. Waiting on some more motivation lol By the way, this PMS is kicking my butt! I baked a whole cake just to have a slice! I can’t eat the cake because I’m working on eating healthier. So…I just stare at it and try to find ways to give it to people. I also cry. A lot. I cry during every tv show and movie I watch, even when its just me and my thoughts! Lol I blame Eve.
Til later,
J. Street
